I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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