They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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