I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
