If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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