The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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