i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
