I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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