Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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