Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
