I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
