Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
