Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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