I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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