There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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