Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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