Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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