Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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