just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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