I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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