I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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