i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
