I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
