I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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