I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
