wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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