ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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