You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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