Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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