apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
