I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
