And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
