she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
