Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
