dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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