I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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