do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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