My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
