im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
pop tarts are not kleenex
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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