The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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