I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
