I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
