Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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