So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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