That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
