my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
