I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
