im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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