bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
