sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My dick has a subreddit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
