you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you told grandpa to call you daddy
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
