I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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