i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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